and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
