final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Welp...herpes.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
