dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
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He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
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Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
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