Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
