I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
