today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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