I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
