I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
