You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
