You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Pooping to opera.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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