I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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