my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
