I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
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He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
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I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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