Umm I'm too high to move.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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