Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
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I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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