you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
