i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
