my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
