i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
