Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's rum buckets o'clock
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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