Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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