Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
