wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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