Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
His hands were made for my vagina.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
