you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
