does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i need some magic done to my vagina
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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