i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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