She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
