Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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