apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
