I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
