Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
