Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I am available for nakedness
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
