I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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