You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
