get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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