I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
