I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
