I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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