She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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