I'm drive I can fine osifer
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize