: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
