I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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