There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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