I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
