The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
