it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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