I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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