If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
