Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
