i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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