I think my vagina is haunted
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
