hotel room ftw
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
