remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
