Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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