he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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