Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
