then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
